I wanted to write this letter to you for some time now. Actually, I’ve wanted to write it for over a year, but every time I sat down to try and write it I couldn’t think of what to say.
I can’t say I’ve walked in your shoes. I can’t say that I’ve been there and done that. So, what could I possibly say that would bring even the smallest ounce of comfort to you during one of the hardest seasons of your life? What can I say that somebody probably hasn’t already said to you before? What can I say about your journey when most people don’t even know you’re going through it?
I can’t say much, but I can say I see you and I hear you. I hear you even though you don’t speak. I see you even though you’re hiding your pain. I feel that same pit you feel in your stomach when somebody asks you, “So when are you going to start having kids?”
Little do they know that you’ve spent a small fortune on pregnancy tests only to never see that second pick line appear. They don’t know that you have experienced pregnancy twice now but unfortunately both times resulted in a miscarriage.
They don’t know that getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and brining your child into this world is the biggest desire of your heart but also the most heart wrenching trial you’re walking through.
They don’t see the tears you cry almost daily. They don’t hear you cry out to God over and over again searching for answers, begging for something to change.
Those that do know your struggle say things that they feel are comforting but in reality, it feels like a punch right to the gut.
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“God has a plan.” You know they mean well, but that statement hurts deeply. It makes your mind spin because you can’t understand how this part of your life could be part of God’s plan.
You start to wonder if it’s because you wouldn’t make a good mom, because why else would this be a part of “God’s” plan?
They don’t realize that the words they’re trying to comfort you with are actually causing you more pain. They can’t understand your pain because they have never walked this journey.
I can’t understand your pain but when I think of this trial your walking through my heart sinks. I see you month after month praying that that second pink line appears. I see you silently cry every month when your period comes and brings with it heartbreak. I see you scrolling through Facebook and Instagram only to see ANOTHER pregnancy announcement. As happy as you want to be for your friend jealousy and sadness wash over you before you can even stop it.
I’m sorry. From the deepest part of my heart, I’m sorry.
What I want you to know during this season is that you are a wonderful person and not being able to get and stay pregnant is in no way because you wouldn’t be a good mom. That is a lie straight from the enemy. He wants you to sit in this heartache and stay there. He wants to steal your joy and with it your strength. He wants to break your trust and hope in Jesus. The best way for him to accomplish this is to make you feel greater levels of pain, sadness, heartache, and jealousy.
Second; this is not God’s plan for your life. I truly believe that He didn’t make a plan for you to have 3 miscarriages and struggle for 6 years to get pregnant. On the other hand, He can and will take this struggle and use it as part of your story. He will use it to encourage and support others who have to walk this same journey, but it wasn’t his divine plan to make you go through this.
Third; you are seen. This struggle in your life is private for many of you. You walk this journey, for the most part, alone. You internalize your struggle, heartache, and pain, but I still see you. Even though words aren’t exchanged, or stories aren’t shared I still see you.
I want you to know that every time I see you I wish, with all my heart, I could sprinkle some magic baby dust on you and the next time you took a pregnancy test you would see a bold and beautiful second pink line. I pray that the next time you get a positive pregnancy test it ends with a beautiful baby in your arms.
During this journey there are many times that I’m sure you feel alone and forgotten, but I want you to know I’m here. I’m praying for you and wishing with all my heart this journey ends with a baby in your arms and hope in your heart.